Irish Jokes and Humor
Paddy
was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to
heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a
parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and
give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
Father
Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets,
"Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," the man replied.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to
go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this.. You mean to
tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were
getting a group together to go right now."
Paddy
was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,
"Okay, pedestrians. " Then he'd allow the traffic
to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk..
After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time,
Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the
Catholics across?"
Gallagher
opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary
column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend,
Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I
died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are
ye callin' from?"
An
Irish priest is driving down to New York and
gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"
Patton
staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy,
Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife,
Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he
caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he
landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back
pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids
and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw
blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled
his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be
the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your
bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the
hall mirror.
Irish Daughter
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years
Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this
time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us
know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't
you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad.. I became a prostitute..."
"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur
coat, title deed to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account
certificate for $5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you
Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's
parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an
invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in
the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"
"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said
"a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
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